A CONCERNED MOTHER recently sought my counsel:
“A young man and woman both at university say they like each other and secretly talk on the phone. When caught, they apologize and promise to stop. How should we deal with this, especially when the young man is in no position to marry?”
I asked her for time to reflect before responding. This is no simple matter and touches the hearts of many of our young people. As a father of an 18-year-old myself, I felt the weight of this question deeply.
The Instinct of Attraction
The attraction between a man and a woman is no accident. Allah created this powerful instinct that fulfils a human being’s emotional and physical needs—part of His perfect design for human continuity. But like all powerful instincts, it must be guided.
Unregulated, this desire becomes a force of destruction: for the individual and for society.
We in the West are no strangers to the consequences. The pursuit of pleasure, devoid of responsibility, has reduced intimate relationships to transactions. Sex is commodified. Love is distorted. Children are taught from a young age that romantic relationships are a rite of passage. To be single is to be seen as deficient. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend has been normalised.
In the absence of Islamic governance in our lands, where the West leads, the East blindly follows.
Yet, Islam offers an alternative—an anchor in the storm.
Islam: A Framework for Love and Mercy
Allah has not left us to wander. He has given us clear principles to elevate our desires and channel them through the sacred institution of marriage—where love is not fleeting but enduring, where mercy is mutual, and where responsibility is shared.
Through its comprehensive system of values, rules, and punishments, Islam protects the sanctity of the man-woman relationship. It commands taqwa and hayah. It promotes chastity through lowering the gaze, and purity in speech and conduct. It places clear boundaries around gender interaction. It prohibits that which objectifies, degrades, or trivializes the bond between a man and a woman. Men are designated as protectors and maintainers of women, not in superiority but in responsibility. And with that, each gender is honoured with roles that dignify and complement one another.
These are not restrictions—they are protections.
When we deviate from this framework, we invite pain. When we abide by it, we find peace.
Establishing a Culture of Marriage
Young people, their parents and the Muslim society at large need to understand their roles in this context ie to facilitate and establish marriage as the norm. Any relationship outside of marriage is sinful which is damaging physically, psychologically and spiritually.
The Path to Marriage
Marriage is one of the most consequential decisions in a person’s life. A righteous spouse is a blessing in both this world and the next. A poor choice, however, can lead to profound sorrow. From marriage arises all the bonds of kinship and the responsibilities that go with that. Such a decision is thus not to be taken lightly.
Choosing a spouse is more than just chemistry. Have clear criteria. Know your non-negotiables and your preferences. Never compromise on the former but be realistic with the latter. Take counsel from those who care about your future in both dunya and akhirah. Each can give valuable perspectives and provide a critical evaluation of compatibility.
If a man and woman meet and sense potential, the next step is not secrecy, but sincerity. Families must be involved. Intentions must be declared. A proposal may come from either side and if accepted, they proceed to nikah.
In Islam, there is no ‘getting to know’, ‘trying before buying’, ‘s/he is just a friend’, ‘having some fun on the side’, “I’m not ready to settle,’ and other such nonsense that permeates Western culture. We aim for sincerity and commitment. We trust in Allah and we work hard on our marriages, through love, patience, and growth.
When Feelings Take Over
Young love is intoxicating. It clouds judgment. The heart overtakes the intellect, and regret often follows. This is what Islam seeks to prevent—not to suppress love, but to elevate it with wisdom and foresight.
If you’re in such a situation, know that hard decisions lie ahead. If you truly believe this is the person you wish to spend your life with, then there is only one halal path: marriage.
Remaining in a haram relationship is rebellion against your Creator for which there is punishment in the akhirah.
Advice for Young Men
If this is mere fun for you, then fear Allah. Would you accept this behaviour for your sister, mother or future daughter? If you are man enough to seek a relationship, be man enough to shoulder its responsibilities.
The main obstacle is usually financial. Even the Prophet ﷺ, when asked by Khadija’s (ra) friend why he had not married, replied: “Because I cannot afford it.” (ibn Sa’d)
You don’t need riches—just enough to provide the basics of food, clothing and shelter. If you lack an income and cannot wait, consider working. But know that leaving education has long-term consequences. Certainly, rizq comes from Allah but qualifications open doors. Doors that may be closed in later life.
Or it may mean that you have a longer plan where you finish your studies, get a job and then propose to her guardian. That involves talking to the necessary people and making your intentions known.
If that is the path you choose, pause the relationship or end it altogether until you can proceed with honour.
وَمَن يَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُۥ مَخْرَجًۭا
And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them, (at Talaq 2)
The Prophet ﷺ also advised increasing one’s taqwa through fasting as a means to get through this phase: “O young people, whoever among you can afford marriage, let him marry, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity. Whoever cannot, let him fast—it will be a shield for him.” (an-Nasa’i)
An option may also be for both families to consent to nikah now, with living arrangements delayed until after education or employment is secured. Halal can be made possible with cooperation and compassion.
Advice for Young Women
Fear Allah. The consequences of a relationship, especially if it is physical, are much more severe for women than men, both physically and psychologically. Be very cautious of any young man who isn’t willing to speak to your guardian. Marriage should be public and dignified, not secret. Allah said:
فَانكِحُوهُنَّ بِإِذْنِ أَهْلِهِنَّ وَآتُوهُنَّ أُجُورَهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ مُحْصَنَاتٍ غَيْرَ مُسَافِحَاتٍ وَلَا مُتَّخِذَاتِ أَخْدَانٍ
Marry them with the permission of their families and give them their due as is good, chaste women, neither fornicators nor secret mistresses. (an-Nisa 25)
Value yourself. Involve your guardian early. Choose wisely. And do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of and abused under the guise of love.
Advice for Parents
Have mercy on your children. Make marriage easy for them. In a world where haram is a tap away, don’t make halal unreachable.
Cultural expectations—wealth, lineage, physical appearance—have a place. But they must never override the Prophet’s ﷺ guidance: “If someone whose deen and character you are pleased with comes to you, then marry (her to) him. If you do not, there will be fitnah and widespread corruption.” (Tirmidhi)
Talk to your children. Understand their aspirations. While you may not agree with every choice, remember that they are adults who have their own lives to lead. They must live with their decisions and have their own account with Allah. You cannot force marriage—but you can guide it through your advice.
Closing Reflections
When I reflect on my own time at university in London, I thank Allah for protecting me. Many around me were caught in this struggle. What helped me?
- Purpose: I had a clear vision of my goals and was focused on my studies. I didn’t have time to be distracted.
- Company: I came across the dawah and was surrounded by people who reminded me of Allah and helped create an atmosphere of taqwa.
- Responsibility: I felt a deep sense of duty to my parents who had sacrificed so much for my education abroad. I didn’t want to let them down.
The same advice I offer now to young people: live with purpose, character, and integrity. Surround yourself with good people. Fulfil your responsibilities. And ask Allah to guide and ease your path.
In a future post, if Allah wills, I will cover some valuable lessons from the marriage of Musa (as) that is mentioned in the Qur’an.
Living For Islam 