RETURNING FROM MY local supermarket I was struck by the huge stock of flowers, chocolates and cards ready for Valentine’s Day.
A thought crossed my mind. In the age of materialism, even the expression of love can be corrupted and commercialised.
We are flooded with ideas of how to be romantic in the run-up to Valentine’s. But do you really have to say it with flowers or travel halfway round the world to sing on a gondola in Venice or smooch in front of the Eiffel Tower to show you love someone? Do you have to have a Tom Cruise moment and jump up and down and announce it to the world on Ophrah Winfrey or on social media?
The funny thing is that being romantic is hardly the first thing that comes to mind when we think of Islam. That however has more to do with our perception of what is romance and the effects of Western or Eastern culture on our minds than with any reality. Take Valentine’s Day. What is so special about it? Nothing if we are truly honest with ourselves. But we are conditioned by the Western culture to behave in a certain way, buy certain things and hold certain expectations.
Take other examples. Is Paris really the ‘City of Love’ and are diamonds really a girl’s best friend? Or is that what we have always been told and have accepted without thought? How much have Hollywood and Bollywood created the illusion of what love should be and what is needed through clever product placement?
Our lives aren’t a movie. We look in the wrong places and fail to realize that what makes it all work after the intense passionate love (muwaddah) of the early months/years of marriage is the small things that make you truly appreciate a person. It is these small mercies (rahma) that are the true blessings in a marriage, and which give tranquillity (sakina) as mentioned in the ayah:
وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًۭا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةًۭ وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
‘And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you love and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.’ (ar-Rum 21)
Is there any better example than the Prophet ﷺ? Studying the seerah and homing in on his relationship with his wife Khadijah (ra) and later A’isha (ra), what is interesting to note is that their relationships weren’t focussed on material things. It never should be because the problem with the material is that it is always fleeting and thus never truly satisfying. So, what do you do after that trip to Paris? And after that? And after that? Even if you have all the money and power in the world, it doesn’t help- how else do we account for the fact that most celebrity marriages end just as abruptly as they start?
Rather it was the small and repetitive things that stand out. He ﷺ was a comfort for his wives, wiping their tears, respecting their emotions, hearing their words, caring for their complaints, alleviating their sadness, going on picnics with them, racing with them, bearing their abandonment, discussing matters with them, keeping their dignity, supporting them in emergencies, declaring his love to them and was very happy with their love.
Not focusing on material things doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t give gifts, for as we know the Prophet ﷺ said: “Give each other gifts and you will love each other.” (al-Adab al-Mufrad)
But a relationship built on material things is truly an empty one.
Below are some examples from the Prophet ﷺ of what I term the ‘romantic Muslim’. Explore the ideas if you have time or come back later.
1. Being sensitive
The Prophet ﷺ once said to his wife A’isha (ra): “I know well when you are pleased or angry with me.” She replied: ‘How do you know that?’ He said: ‘When you are pleased with me you swear by saying “By the Lord of Muhammad” but when you are angry you swear by saying “By the Lord of Ibrahim”. She said: ‘You are right, I don’t mention your name.”
In another example, his wife Safiyah (ra) was going on a journey with the Prophet ﷺ. She was very late and the Prophet ﷺ received her while she was crying and distressed. The Prophet ﷺ wiped her tears with his own hands and tried his utmost to calm her.
Lesson: be aware of each other’s feelings and read behaviour and moods. When one is down or upset the other sits, listens and consoles. Try and make the other smile. Be there for each other in good times and bad times. She should find comfort and solace in him and he should find warmth and love in her. Be gentle with one another.
2. Being close with the things we do
There are many little gestures which seem trivial but bring the hearts closer. Many of the examples I have come across are narrated by A’isha (ra). She was blessed with a remarkable intellect and we owe her a lot. As a wife of the Prophet, her narrations give us a unique and wonderful insight into the family life of the Prophet ﷺ that we could not have gleaned otherwise.
The Prophet ﷺ would recline in the lap of A’isha (ra) even in the state when she would be menstruating. He would recite the Qur῾an whilst reclining in his wife’s lap.
A’isha (ra) would comb the hair of the Prophet ﷺ and wash his hair.
The Prophet ﷺ said: “If you spend an amount you will be rewarded for it- even when you lift the morsel to your wife’s mouth.” (Bukhari)
Aisha (ra) would drink from a cup. The Prophet ﷺ would take this cup and search for the place where the lips of his beloved wife made contact. Upon finding the place where his wife drank from the cup, he would put his lips on the very same place so that his lips touched the place where her lips touched. He would then drink the contents of the cup at the same time enjoying union with his spouse. When there was meat to eat, Aisha (ra) would take a bite. The Prophet ﷺ would take the meat from her hand and again place his mouth in the very same place where his wife ate.
The Prophet ﷺ would kiss his wife regularly. Even when he ﷺ would be fasting, he would kiss his wife.
The Prophet ﷺ would clean and help at home. He would see to his needs himself rather than demanding his wife. He would clean and mend his own clothing.
The Prophet ﷺ would have a container for perfume. He would use perfume constantly.
Ibn Abbās (ra) said: “As my wife adorns herself for me, I adorn myself for her. I do not want to take all of my rights from her so that she will not take all of her rights from me because Allah, the Exalted, stated the following: “And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them.” (al-Baqara :228.)
The Prophet ﷺ would exercise and play with his wife also. A’isha (ra) and he would race. When she was young, she would win, when she was older he would win. He ﷺ even said on winning: ‘This is for that.’
A’isha (ra) narrates that the Prophet ﷺ screened her with his cloak while she watched the Ethiopians who were throwing spears in the courtyard of the masjid. She continued watching till she was satisfied.
Lessons: Do things together. Do not just eat at the same time and on the same tablecloth but eat from the same plate. Let alone the same plate, eat together from the same piece of food. These bond the hearts close to one another. The little contact such as combing the hair or resting your head on the lap, feeding the other or the little kisses leaving and entering the house or complimenting or smelling good or dressing up for the other half have a huge psychological impact on the mind of the other.
Without being asked, help each other in day-to-day activities. Likewise, try not to demand the other half to do things too much. Whatever you can do, do it yourself.
Share in the happy occasions and experiences. Be willing to sacrifice your time for the other- it creates respect and love.
Love is the fuel of marriage; if the marriage is to progress and stay strong, you have to express your love in every way you can. But an important point needs to be made. These physical expressions of love as demonstrated by the Prophet ﷺ are generally a private matter- it’s not about showing others publicly. For instance, we should not take from all this that kissing your spouse in public is a sign of expressing love. Indeed, kissing in public is haram from the shariah and shows a lack of morals.
3. Being close with the things we say
There are the little things that we do and then there are the little things that we say that make all the difference.
The Prophet ﷺ would call A’isha (ra) ‘Humayra’’ out of love. Linguistically it means the little reddish one, but the ulema say that in reality, it refers to someone who is so fair that due to the sun, they get a reddish tan. This was the reason why the Prophet called her ‘Humayra’.
Once the Prophet ﷺ stared into her eyes and said in praise of her beauty, “How white are your eyes!”
The Prophet ﷺ on many occasions would discuss stories, and events and have light-hearted discussions. The famous story narrated by A’isha (ra) regarding Umm Zar’a is a wonderful example.
The Prophet ﷺ was once asked whom he loved the most. He replied: “Aisha.” When the questioner rephrased his question and asked from amongst the men, he replied: “Her father.”
Lessons: Call the other with the sweetest names and praise and compliment in the nicest way. Discuss stories and events and engage in light-hearted discussions-something to laugh and joke over. It doesn’t all have to be about the hardships of life and don’t reserve the light-hearted stuff only for your friends. Make time for this as it gives great dividends- love at home gives strength outside.
Show fondness and speak well of your in-laws and compliment the other half in front of them too. It will only make the other half appreciate you more.
A warning, however. Do not talk about private matters as this is a great sin and a truly shameful matter. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Among the most evil of people before Allah on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who is intimate with a woman and she with him, then he spreads her secret.” (Muslim)
Conclusion
To conclude, never underestimate the importance of the seemingly little things by word or deed. Try to always find some time for both to pray and worship together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah ﷻ is the best guarantee that your own marital bond will always remain strong. Ask Him ﷻ for help. Having peace with Allah ﷻ will always result in having more peace at home.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍۢ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
“Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” (al Furqan 74)
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